Cheaters Never Win

It is hard for me to harbor hate towards someone. I don't like the feeling and I don't like the bitter taste in my mouth that it leaves. I have been uttering out loud just how much I hate.

So where does my hate come from?

I was cheated on.

Simple as that and as complicated as that.

I trusted him. I believed everything he told me. I welcomed his attention. I returned the attention. I enjoyed our midnight lovemaking after two hours of sleep. I enjoyed our early morning lazy bed Sundays. I laughed with him. I enjoyed quiet times with him. I watched him sleep. I got drunk with him. I shared secrets with him. I was his friend and he was mine.

Then in an instant...it was all lies.

That's the hardest part.

I can't even remember the good things because of his betrayal. I can't look at my own pictures of our excursions without wanting to vomit.

He slept with her and he slept with me. The very thought of that makes me so sick to my stomach.

He said he was working certain weekends and those weekends showed up in her photo albums of romantic weekend getaways. He made her cupcakes for her birthday and she showed us all (Isn't that just so fucking sweet?). He said he was going to see friends when her photos showed me exactly which friends he was seeing.

My emotions went spinning out of control and I hate how that felt.

The man I cared deeply for was smiling back at me with someone else the very next weekend that we made love so many times.

I can't even begin to explain to anyone just how hurtful it is to see that.

Then I have the anger. I have no where to go with it. It lurks below my surface, bubbling and brewing. I want to lash out at him, hurt him as he has me.

but I can't...

It doesn't change anything that has been done.

It won't change anything that will be done.

As sad as that makes me right now, I will move forward from it.

I hope.

I don't want to be untrusting and uncaring towards whomever happens next. I want to be able to love with an open heart and open mind and not pin someone else's bad choices on them.

Ugh...

I sit in disbelief that this has happened.

I can't believe that someone could be so cruel and heartless and think that they can just get away with such a facade. Did he think (no he didn't) that it wouldn't hurt me? Did he think (no he didn't) that I was too stupid or blind?

I was played to be such a fool.

I hate him for that. I hate him for hurting my heart and stealing my smile. I hate him.

HATE...

I am entitled to my feelings right now. They are justifiable. I need to feel them and let them go.

Then I can be free instead of being a prisoner of my own emotions.